Dear Mom

Here's what I remember about my mom, who died from lung cancer when I was 13.
She smelled sweet, she always wore this Dolce & Gabbana perfume called 'Light Blue' and whenever I smell it now tears fill my eyes from the memories of breathing it in as she would hold me. She had beautiful curly hair. It was the kind that would have that semi straight wave through the top and then fell into a perfect curl through the bottom. London has her hair. She used to gently rub my back as I would fall asleep every night. She taught me everything I know about life, but baseball was something we loved together. She taught me all about the game and made me fall in love with it like she had too. She was strong, she had the kindest soul, she was my best friend and she always made me feel loved. Sometimes I try to recall what her voice sounded like although it's hard now. I'll never forget her words though. She fiercely believed in me. For a few years after her death I could hear her voice clearly every day. I could hear her telling me everything would be ok, telling me she loved me, telling me to steal that base. I'd hear her laugh at me trying to build a snowman because I was so bad at making one stand up straight. 

I think I miss her more today as a mother myself than I did when I first lost her. The magnitude of her loss hits me most during everyday moments. I look at my children and I can't help but think about how much she would love them too. So even though not sharing milestones like entering high school, going to prom, graduating high school, getting my college acceptance letter and getting married were all so hard on me emotionally without her, having my children was the hardest. I was her miracle. I was the baby doctors told her would never be possible. So I know without a doubt she would have been by my side, crying those happy tears with us as they took their first breath of air. I strive to be half the mother she was.

Today marks 10 years she's been gone. 10 years ago, this morning, I held her hand as she took her last breath, That moment will never leave my mind. Its the last time I could lay my head on her chest and hear her heart beat with a small skip. The skip, that as a young child, she told me was because she gave a piece of her heart to me so her "heart song" has to skip over a note now. I wish I would have said so much more than I did while I had the chance. The belief that everything happens for a reason sticks with me. It has gotten me through all these years. I don't really know why I'm even writing this. Today was a really great day. I had some girl time shopping and playing with London, then lunch with the boys before we came home to relax. I'd be lying if I said I hadn't thought about my mom all day. Of course I did, probably millions of times. Instead of curling up in a ball, crying in bed all day about how I miss her more than I can say the difference in today is that I did what she would have done 10 years ago if she had the chance. I got up, had breakfast with my family, had a dance party with my little girl and spent our day laughing, playing, enjoying each other's company and I told my children I love them. I felt her presence. I felt happy.

If I really could say anything to her now, I'd just repeat her last words to me.
I love you more than anything.

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Maira Gall